Cynicism and Insomnia
by HalfwayFreeFalling
Summary: A companion piece to season 3. Essentially, interrelated one shots that show how Emma and Regina grow closer while in Neverland. Spoilers for season 3.
1. Cynicism and Insomnia

**Disclaimer: I don't own any character from Once Upon a Time.**

**Spoilers: Season 3**

**Summary: Regina at the end of 3.02. A possible ending to her night.**

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Her defense had always been that life dealt her a bad hand. She became what she did because she was forced into finding a way to survive. Her choices, and she did take ownership of each and every one, did not come from an optimistic heart full of sunshine and rainbows. Her choices came from open wounds that had been salted and left without care.

Handsome princes and loyal friends didn't suddenly appear in front of her to help her take the honorable path instead of the vengeful one. In the place of loyal friends and White Knights, she had demons whispering their promises that could ultimately never be filled. Yet, knowing what a false promise sounded like, she chose to listen anyway because listening was easier than the promise of living with her pain alone.

Did she make excuses and blame everyone around her for who she became? Yes. Unequivocally, yes. Aloud, she blamed her misfortune on the world, but it was her silent recriminations that drove her to fall off the edges of sanity. They were the things that had her asking for mercy and for an infinite number of second chances. They were what made her allow her enemies to be allies.

She could no longer say if she changed or was in the process of it, but she did know that she was thinking more about consequences than action. She was listening instead of yelling at the top of her lungs trying to be heard over the sounds of her own pain.

Ridiculously, she was in the middle of a jungle on a quest in which she was not playing the part of a villain. She was simply one amongst a band of misfits. It sounded almost like the beginnings of a joke- a pirate, a savior, a true love pair, an Imp and an Evil Queen walk onto a boat...

So far, she has no punch line, but she suspected that it might involve her untimely, although not un-heroic death. She'd die redeemed, but she'd still die.

"Regina," her reverie was interrupted, proving to her that she should have just continued to pretend to sleep. When heroes go missing they are apparently missed.

"I suppose it wouldn't do any good to pretend I don't hear you?" She didn't turn to look at the White Knight standing next to her. She continued to look into the dark jungle that surrounded them, knowing that the punch line was growing ever closer.

"When's the last time you slept?" The question sounded almost sincere. It brought her companion just to the edge of genuine concern.

"I think I managed a few hours of rest the last time you ordered us to make camp." She didn't want nor did she desire concern, genuine or otherwise. Especially since Emma Swan's concern often felt too much like pity.

When she did meet the eyes of the Savior, she could see Emma struggling between the desire to walk away and the misguided duty to lift a soldier's spirits. It was unfortunate that she neither felt like a soldier nor was she in the mood for her spirits to be lifted. Her cynicism and insomnia were currently her only loyal companions.

"Just try to get some rest. We'll need your strength," Emma said, head bowed and obviously all too eager to retreat.

"It occurs to me," Regina called out before the Savior could disappear, "that I am not the only one currently awake."

Emma stopped walking, but didn't turn around. "It's been a long day."

"Yes, I suppose it has." Regina turned to look back to the forest. "It isn't often we're tasked with facing buried truths."

"I'm not talking about this with you," Emma immediately replied having assumed Regina's words were an attack.

"Nor would I even want to talk about it," Regina hurriedly pointed out since she had no intention of revealing her own silent struggles to unveil her hidden truths.

Emma turned then, wearing the mask of a picked on child ready to be the butt of another cruel joke. "Then why did you bring it up?"

"I suppose," Regina sighed, "it is because I love my son."

Anger flashed across Emma's features. Her chest puffed up and her lips just barely formed the sharp edges of biting words, but Regina interrupted before any defense could be vocalized. "I lost my son," she confessed.

"We've both lost him," Emma was quick to point out.

"No," Regina shook her head, "unsurprisingly, you misunderstand." She reached up and flicked her hair away from her face. It was an action to keep her physical mind occupied away from the words she chose to speak. "I lost my son," she said again. "I did. Me. _I _lost my son because I was swayed by fear and demons."

Emma wisely kept her silence. She was becoming better at learning when to push forward and when to retreat. That she owed Regina thanks in teaching her the lesson would most likely never be voiced.

"I would think you stubborn enough to not let the same happen to you." Regina turned away then. She considered the conversation over. She had given her advice and said her piece. She preferred to be left with her insomnia and cynicism until another day dawned and their band of misfits sought out another day's adventure.

"You know what Pan said?" Emma stepped closer to the former Queen. "You were spying on me?"

Regina shook her head, somewhat disappointed that her leader was so damn naive. "I am a villain, Emma," she coldly declared. "If I were Pan, you would be the first I'd target since you are the only one we are all willing to follow."

Emma bowed her head and kicked at the dirt with her boot. She listened to what Regina said. She considered the input in the way she always considered Regina's input. She never readily dismissed the Evil Queen's words because when Regina wanted to talk instead of threaten, her words held value. She was powerful not because she was evil, but because she was ruthlessly intelligent.

"Divide and conquer?" Emma wondered aloud but spoke again before Regina could call her foolish. "I feel weaker here."

"I think the better suited word is 'exposed'," Regina callously pointed out.

Emma nodded. She couldn't deny a truth so apparent. "Do you mind if we stand together for a moment."

Regina raised her brow and quickly evaluated her options. She didn't want the company. She wanted to stand as far away from Emma as possible especially since there was still so much between them buried and hidden away.

"If you wish," she agreed. "But I'll not be held responsible for you not being able to function in the morning."

Emma hesitated a breath of a moment before she stepped up next to Regina. Finally, she felt as if they were on equal ground instead of at war. "Ditto," she muttered.

Regina tracked her eyes across the woman standing next to her. Perhaps, she thought, this moment was her punch line. Perhaps, this was where the Evil Queen died. She reached out and took hold of Emma's hand. "When you foolishly jumped into the sea, we did not let you drown, Emma. So it would be foolish for you to believe that you are alone now."

Emma looked down at their clasped hands. She looked as if she wanted to question this out of character moment. She looked as if she wanted to find reasons to deny and mock whatever it was that drove Regina to begin talking in the first place. But she fought instinct and kept her silence. She squeezed the hand that held onto hers and then turned her attention to the jungle.

A pirate, a True Love's pair, a White Knight and her Queen walk into a jungle...

"We'll get him back, Regina."

…And the Queen was reborn.


	2. The Complexities of Change

**Disclaimer: I don't own any character from Once Upon a Time.**

**Spoilers: Season 3**

**Author's Note: This is sort of an independent continuation of Cynicism and Insomnia. I might try to do a series. We'll see. Comments are appreciated.**

**Summary: Emma confronts Regina about offering up her heart. End of 3.03  
**

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At what point, she wondered, did actions turn into habit When did her novice attempt at compliance turn into actual compliance? When did trying to use words instead of force of will turn into death defying monologues? She had never before understood the complexities involved in being a 'work in progress', but she understood change. She understood how swiftly and unexpectedly it came about, and how unforgiving it was.

It is with that understanding that she had offered up her heart. Whether she had done it for her own sense of justice or her newly acquired urge to risk her life, she couldn't say. She wanted to believe that vengeance was more comprehensible than the devaluation of her own life, but she hadn't quite talked herself out of the belief that she marched towards her death.

There were moments, of course, when she believed she would return home with her son and they would... They would what, exactly? Talk about custody agreements? Plan holiday schedules? Become some modern family that only ever successfully existed on sitcoms and teenage television networks?

As she was so callously reminded, she had had her chance at happiness and had chosen otherwise. She did what she always did, and let life happen to her. She waited unhappily on the sidelines conjuring up reasons to hate the destiny she was handed-hate the destiny she had chosen.

And since she had entered into the House of Horror's past, she had no choice but to suppress her own memory. She could only sit far enough away from the others to not hear them so readily offer a home and belonging to a stranger—a stranger that had somehow earned Peter Pan's favor. No one seemed to care how that kind of trust was earned, they just accepted it because…well because they believed Regina had ruined Tinker Bell's life.

Somehow that gave immediate immunity to bad deeds past, present and future. It made Tinker Bell part of an exclusive club. Apparently, admission was free. It just required payment in the form of the Evil Queen swallowing the pain for all of those that had fallen under the sphere of her tyranny.

"You gave Tinker Bell your heart?" Yet, there was still Emma Swan who paid no attention to personal boundaries and an obvious need for distance. Emma Swan trampled on Regina's space and disallowed solitude.

"Oh, you two talked?" She feigned interest because she had no true desire to reveal anything more about herself to Emma Swan. The day had already been filled with uncomfortable revelations, and she felt no need to add another plank of wood to the bridge being built between them.

Emma didn't bother to ask permission as she sat next to Regina. She was taking it upon herself to point out Regina's carelessness since no one else would bother with a confrontation. "I know you're not completely on board with our plan, but do you really think offering your heart was a better solution?"

"The moment required action so I took it." It wasn't a defense, not really. She hadn't thought about alternatives. She had hastily made a plan the moment Emma had rejected all alternatives, and, against all reason, it had worked.

"By offering your heart?" Emma immediately questioned, "To a woman you sentenced to lifelong misery?"

"I'm learning to accept responsibility for plenty of things in my past," Regina clarified, "but I will not take responsibility for that."

"She has no magic and no wings, Regina. Who else would be responsible for that?" Emma argued as if already knowing Regina's guilt was a foregone conclusion. The benefit of the doubt was no longer given since it, too, had been scoured by Regina's own actions. Getting the benefit of anything was another war Regina was faced with every day.

"I called her names and sent her away, Emma," Regina admitted, since one more confession seemed more beneficial than the acceptance of misplaced guilt. "Her choices led to her own consequences."

"She chose to help you," Emma practically hissed. "Your pushing her away caused it."

The Queen and the Savior had circled each other enough, in combat and in its temporary cessation, to learn each other's physical cues. It is that understanding that allowed Regina to see a hint of panic flickering on the edges of Emma's gaze.

"Does the possibility of me dying scare you?" Her surprise is what caused her to ask the question so directly. She had no understanding of the value Emma might assign to her life. She was unsure Emma assigned any value at all past the default level of care required for Henry.

"Henry just lost Neal, Regina," Emma unnecessarily announced her former lover's death again. The admission seemed almost like some kind of admittance on the monopoly of mourning. Emma had lost Neal so that meant that her pain was loud and obnoxious. It didn't seem to matter that Neal's unexpected death had come on the heels of Regina being inhumanely tortured. "He doesn't need to lose another parent."

Earlier, Regina had apologized when reminded of Emma's loss. The apology had come almost without thought. It was instinctual since she had lashed out at Emma and the White Knight hadn't deserved it. But, in that moment, Regina was still too close to her own pain to consider Emma's. She would not offer another apology, at least not for this.

"What Henry needs is to live," Regina declared, "if I die along the way then so be it."

"Damn it, Regina," Emma grabbed at a patch of grass, ripped it from the ground, and then began tearing apart the blades in her hands. Her actions were the containment for her need to physically release her frustrations. "There's a difference between risking your life and throwing it away."

Regina narrowed her eyes. She watched as the blades of grass fell victim to Emma's anger. She then focused her attention to Emma's hands. They were shaking. "A lot of people want me dead, Emma. One day, one of them will succeed." And if it were Emma's hands that took her life, then all the more poetic.

Emma threw the rest of the grass away. Her miniaturized fit wasn't over. It escalated as she swiftly stood and angrily looked down at the once Evil Queen. "You've already given up!" She accused. "You! Of all people have given up!"

Regina looked back to their companions, wary of Emma's raised voice calling attention to their seclusion. Snow looked over at them, but seemed resigned to let them argue alone. "I have _not_ given up," Regina stood and leaned into the body of her accuser. "I have done _exactly_ what you all have asked of me."

"I don't remember asking you to die," Emma's volume decreased but their quick rise of emotion didn't waiver.

"No, you ask for far more than that." Confessions, again, lingered on the edges of the bridge between them. "You've asked for me to be someone who I simply am not."

Emma stepped away, retreating to her corner of mental resilience. She breathed deeply as if the act would contain whatever rage was caged within her. "You will not do that again," she ordered. "You are not worthless."

Regina reached up and touched her fist against her chest. She could have pulled her heart out again and shown Emma's its darkness, but Emma had never needed a personal exhibition. She knew Regina's heart. She knew its pain and its joy. "It worked." For Henry, Regina risking her heart, had worked.

There was repetitiveness in their arguments. They followed a pattern that somehow sliced and diced their characters more than swords and fists. They reinvented each other in each instance; forcing change and adjustment where others might complacently accept personal flaws. Yet, it always ended with Henry being mentioned as the white flag between them.

Emma stepped forward. She looked down at Regina's heart in hand. "Unless absolutely necessary, you're not being left behind again." Eyes tracked up until Regina was captured by their severity. "Just.." Though her intensity maintained, her words stumbled to a conclusion. "Just," she repeated, "don't die."

They parted on silent agreement. Emma stepped back to their companions and Regina took a seat just a little closer to the fire. They didn't speak again for the rest of the night since the words they kept for each other had been depleted.

And as Regina stared into the fire, she wondered when the White Knight had chosen to slay the Queen's demon. Because, she had never before understood the complexities involved in being a 'work in progress', but she understood change. She understood how swiftly and unexpectedly it came about, and how unforgiving it was. But she also understood that it was unpredictable and sometimes flew in on the wings of unexpected heroes.

Not unlike Tinker Bell, Emma had asked Regina to not stagnate and die. She asked Regina to walk past the pain and towards the future. But unlike with Tinker Bell, Regina listened to Emma. She promised to walk across the threshold and meet Emma halfway with no Pixie Dust to guide her. She, Regina Mills, took a leap of faith.


	3. Solid Ground

To say she was eavesdropping was a gross over statement of fact. She had no desire to listen to what the Perfect Family of Happily Ever After had to say to each other. Too often their words left her feeling nauseous and in need of a shower. So, no. She had no desire to listen as Charming and Snow spoke to Emma about why their savior had stormed out after discovering yet another obstacle that stood in the way of them saving Henry.

The only reason she followed Emma out of the cave was because she shared Emma's frustrations and understood the anger that came along with reconciling with the dead. It was that understanding that she hated because it forced her to recognize that, at least in some small way, she and Emma connected in ways that didn't exclusively include Henry.

They both secured their places in the world by fighting with tools that were often more extreme than the situation called for. They made grand gestures and dramatic exits hoping that no one could see their simmering pain. But, inevitably, she saw Emma's pain and ever since they had gotten on Hook's damnable boat, they were making their way towards each other because two of a kind went together better as a pair.

They pushed and prodded each other because the others simply didn't know how. That is why Emma had sought her out after Tinker Bell had exposed the history and pain that could not be made better. Emma had sought her out, not to try and make it better but to push forward. And now, ridiculously, it was her turn to do the same for their savior.

"If you force me into saying something optimistic, we'll both regret it." She said as she followed Emma to the edges of their perimeter. It wasn't entirely safe to leave the group, but they had to take their space as they had every night since they had landed in Never Land. The fact that this meeting was under the bright rays of the day seemed to, at least this once, not matter.

"Regina," Emma said, her voice chiseled with barely contained rage and hurt, "now isn't the time."

"Oh?" Regina crossed her arms and instead of looking toward the woman next to her, she looked out into the jungle before them. "I wasn't aware there was ever a _right_ time."

Emma wiped at her face. The tears that had been present were already dried, and Regina suspected that Emma's tears never lingered. They most likely came and went as if never having existed in the first place.

"Go ahead, then," Emma squared her shoulders and visibly prepared for Regina's intolerance for delay. "What is it you have to say?"

Regina didn't shift her gaze to look at Emma. To look would mean that she had come with her side of the script already written. "Surely, you are more intelligent than the child who managed to find a way off of this ridiculous rock."

A bitter laugh was Emma's only reply. She was not sure what Emma had expected her to say nor was she entirely sure what it was she wanted to convey, but she couldn't risk sounding like the Charmings. She could not tell Emma that no matter what, they would find a way to save Henry. She could not say that everything worked out in the end, because that's just the way the world worked.

Regina's world did not work out. Things did not go her way. More times than not, she was struck down and even her greatest victory was hollow and made her own hurts go round and round with no conclusion.

"Thanks for the pep talk," Emma's sarcasm hinted at the swallowing of pain that Regina was all too familiar with. It forced Regina to stop looking at the jungle. She turned to Emma and stepped in front of her. Their eyes met and the connection was made that they only actively recognized when in crisis.

"You will not let this defeat you, Emma Swan." Regina ordered. "You are allowed to be hurt, but you will not let it defeat you."

Emma's eyes began to shift away. It was a form of running away, and Regina knew that she could not allow it so she grasped Emma's face within the palms of her hands. "This will not defeat you," she repeated.

The tears returned to Emma then. They flowed down her face and over Regina's fingers where their skin made contact. "How, Regina?" The question was so genuine in its quest for comfort that Regina had to force herself not to step away and call in Snow as her replacement.

"I don't know," the admission somehow sounded like a confessed sin. "But whatever it takes, I'll do."

Emma stepped away from her after nodding her head in recognition of their resolve. Regina's hands fell away from Emma, and as the connection was severed so was whatever moment that built between them. Their talks were like walking over cooling coals, neither was ever sure if they would be safe or be burnt for trying the trek.

"I'm going back in," Emma pointed towards the cave. Her tears, once again, disappeared in the same pit where all of Emma's pain eventually got shoved into.

Regina looked down at her hands. She wasn't sure if they had offered comfort or had scraped across an open wound leaving it untended. Outside of her son, she had little experience in being the solid ground another stood on to keep from falling.

"Emma," Regina managed to whisper as soon as she found her voice. Unfortunately, all her self-sustaining strength weakened as soon as Emma turned back to her. She had no words and, unlike many times before, she owed no apologies. So instead of offering anything further, she reached out and placed her hand on Emma's arm. "I'll go back first. You take another moment." The offer was a joint retreat. It allowed them to break away and not carry anything they might have shared back with them where the battle lines were still drawn and their differences were highlighted.

Emma's breath hitched as her eyes measured Regina's touch against her skin. "Go," she pled unable to cope with the moment that stood recklessly between them.

Again, Regina's hand dropped away. She didn't meet Emma's eyes because she felt there was no reason to find meaning behind the moment. Emma had been crumbling and neither Snow nor Charming could fix it, and Hook was too self-absorbed to make a genuine effort. That meant that Regina had to step up and push Emma forward. No matter what it took and no matter that their relationship felt more like companionship than camaraderie - they had to push forward. They had to keep on pushing...away.

"Don't take too long, Emma." The kindness was removed from Regina's voice. In its place the Once Evil Queen returned. "We still have to get to Henry."

Regina didn't look back as she walked towards the cave. She slipped by Snow and Charming without notice, and Hook only raised an interested brow upon her return. Yet, he said nothing because he knew better than to ask if she had her own breakdown.

One by one, the Charmings re-entered the cave. Emma came in last. She did not look at Regina. She did not speak to Regina. But, to be fair, Regina didn't expect it. They were back inside of the perimeter where different rules were applied.

"Maybe now we can look for something useful," Regina muttered as she turned to the wall and once again began digging through Neal's old belongings.

No one replied to her, not that she expected anyone would. They mostly ignored her quips until she said something extreme enough for a response. So, it was a bit of a surprise when Emma stepped up next to her in an effort to search over what pieces were left over from a younger Neal's life.

Regina looked at Emma then since the unwritten and unspoken rules they established had been broken. Her hand went to her hip and a sarcastic retort rested on the edges of her tongue, but Emma's eyes silenced her. Without having to say it, Regina knew that Emma had returned only because she had to for Henry. She was not ready to stand of her own volition since she was still too close to falling.

So, she stood next to Regina. She stood next to solid ground, and Regina simply pretended to not notice and pretended to not care that in a room full of people Emma had chosen her.


	4. Holes in the Heart

**Disclaimer: I don't own Once Upon a Time**

**Summary: Regina and Emma after 5.05.**

**Spoilers: Season 3**

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"I kissed Hook."

The confession was jarring, but Regina was not in the mood to pursue whatever recrimination or support Emma desired from her statement. "And I, Dear, ripped out the heart of a child. So, you see, we all do bad things."

Emma didn't say anything as she took a seat next to Regina. For once, they were sitting next to the fire instead of away from it. Their Merry Band had disbanded since Snow and Charming required their own privacy and Hook was, apparently, avoiding Emma despite their recent interactions.

"I don't know why I did it."

It was another confession that Regina had no desire to pursue. Yet, the statement lingered between them. A reaction was necessary despite Regina's unwillingness to get involved in something that could very well leave her on the wrong side of Emma's ongoing love saga.

"Must we really carry on the lies?" Regina flipped her hair away from her face. Her tolerance for their conversation was already exhausted.

Emma bothered to appear innocent of Regina's accusation. "I'm not lying to you."

"Then you're lying to yourself," Regina said as she turned away from the conversation. Their day had been full and Regina didn't want to exert anymore energy towards...feeling. She much preferred to find a moment of meaningless, but apparently Emma wanted to ruin even that. "Either way, I urge you to deal with the situation however you see fit."

"Jesus, Regina," Emma muttered. "I have no idea what I'm doing."

Whether Emma meant she wasn't equipped to handle Hook or the entire trip to Never Land, Regina wasn't sure. There was so much Emma didn't know and in so many ways Emma was simply unprepared to handle the troupe that surrounded her. But still, Emma was the one in charge. She was the Great Mediator or some other such nonsense.

"Everyone expects so much," Emma whispered and Regina didn't know whether Emma was speaking to her or to the ether. "Mary Margaret and David push me one way, Hook another..." There was a break in Emma's words as if she had caught herself in her own rambling insecurity.

Still, Regina didn't turn back to Emma. She had chosen to not engage. Her own tether to her calm was slipping. A piece of her dark heart was surfacing and the only thing keeping her from questioning her own motives was her sitting and staring at the fire remembering that she saw Henry today.

Emma slipped closer to Regina, though to anyone else it might have looked like she was moving closer to the fire. Their knees touched, but just barely. "You stood up to Mary Margaret for me."

While Regina had no desire to speak to Emma about Hook, she especially didn't want to talk about what she had done to keep Emma's hands White Knight clean. She didn't want Emma's gratitude. She didn't want Emma to thank her for being the villain, no matter how necessary her actions might have been.

Unexpectedly, Snow's self-righteous recriminations affected her more than they appeared to affect Emma. Snow's notion of an intact family just reminded Regina how hard she was fighting to be worthy of her son. She couldn't help but fear how he might look at her knowing that she was ripping out hearts and pushing Emma towards decisions where the end had to justify the means.

"Hook is an easy diversion," Regina summarized needing the words more than she needed the silence. "It's easier for you to hurt him than him you."

"You're speaking from experience," it wasn't a question, but a statement of understanding that often came too easily to them when they were separated from the crowd.

Regina gave a slight nod. "I am," she admitted though she knew no confessions were necessary. "Just make sure that whatever you do with him, you don't let it make the pain worse."

Emma released a soft laugh, though there was no mirth in it. "I'm starting to think..." she began to say but let her words die. Whatever it is she wanted Regina to hear, she clearly wasn't ready to take the risk in saying it.

Regina closed her eyes. She, again, ran the day's events through her head. She recalled their discovery of Neal's cave, and the conversation she and Emma had outside of it. She remembered Emma's return and the moments it took before Emma was able to wander off on her own to handle Hook and her parents. She remembered Emma's support as she reached into the heart of that young boy...and she remembered how easy it had all been and how well she and Emma had maneuvered around each other.

"Don't rely on me too much, Emma," Regina warned since her dark edges needed to be seen. She couldn't allow Emma to grow too familiar and become too comfortable, because Regina wasn't sure if her darkness was greater than Emma's light. She couldn't clearly decipher if their mutual reliance on the other was becoming an asset, a hindrance, or a liability.

Regina turned and met Emma's gaze to ensure that Emma understood her. There couldn't be any confusion between them. "You let me rip out a heart today," she forced her voice to not waiver. "And, if necessary, I will do it again. I will keep pushing you to take my route instead of the others, but…"

Emma interrupted and finished whatever lecture Regina was building up to. "I let you rip out a heart. I know that. I'm trying not to think about it! I'm trying not to remember that you _do_ that!"

Regina had expected Emma's dismissal but not her anger. "Why?" She questioned. "Why try to turn me into something I'm not?"

"That's the thing, Regina," Emma clasped her hands together and looked intently down at them. "I don't think either of us knows who you are."

Regina narrowed her gaze at the woman sitting next to her. "I'm dangerous; we at least know that."

"Yeah," Emma's gaze stayed on her hands as she began picking at her nails, "you're so dangerous you're trying to turn me against you."

It clicked for Regina then—she understood what this whole conversation was about, and it wasn't about Hook, Snow, Charming or even Henry. It was about them pushing away from each other because that is how they each knew to survive. Emma gave into Hook and Regina became the thing of nightmares. Their shields were raised and their own need for self-destruction was protected from underneath them.

"Very well," Regina acquiesced and took a breath before she leaned forward into Emma's personal space. "but when I let you down—when I disappoint you don't pretend like I didn't try to save you."

Emma's eyes flickered away but her own force of will brought them back to face Regina. "Whatever it takes, right?" She audibly swallowed before admitting the thing she was too hesitant to admit to before. "I don't think I could do this without you."

The weight of Emma's confession fell heavily on Regina. She hadn't meant to make herself invaluable. She hadn't wanted that. All she wanted was to save Henry…she hadn't wanted to care because one thing she was beginning to learn was that Emma could hurt her more than she could hurt Emma.

"Okay," Regina whispered. "Okay," she repeated, this time admitting to herself the acceptance of her own value. "One happy family, right?"

For the first time since entering Baelfire's cave, Emma's eyes showed some hint of being better. "Is that what this is?"

"I guess so," Regina forced a grin. "I haven't had one before."

Emma broke the thin veil that had kept them apart. She unclasped her hands and then reached out and grabbed onto Regina's dangling hand. She took it in her own and locked it up with her one effort to keep moving towards something better. "Neither have I, but we've gotta try."

Regina nodded once before she removed her hand. She stood and offered a weak excuse about needing to get some rest. She was running away because she was afraid that if she didn't run away then she would have stayed and let Emma continue to find all the holes in her heart and try to mend them.

But no matter how they rationalized it or how they dealt with it, Regina was the villain. She was always going to be the villain because she ripped out hearts and dirtied her own. She did the things that would keep Emma's hands clean. That was her role—it was how she saved Emma, and for some reason saving Emma was suddenly more important than saving herself.


	5. The Broken Line

**Disclaimer: I don't own Once Upon a Time**

**Summary: Regina and Emma before 5.06.**

**Spoilers: Season 3**

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The lessons came long before setting fire to some sticks in the middle of Never Land. It had started the very day they had met and had continued on without either fully conscious of its existence. Every day they taught each other, pushed each other further and further down whatever empty destinies that had been sprawled out at their unwilling feet. Every day something sprung between them that forced a reaction and Regina was in the midst of realizing exactly what her history with Emma Swan consisted of.

...And she didn't like it one bit.

She did not like that she was changing because of Emma and that Emma was changing because of her. She did not like that they were sharing the same close quarters and advancing whatever odd conspiracy that conspired between them. She did not like that she felt less compelled to lie about her reaction to their honest predicament than she had been before.

It was easier to lie when they had their separate corners and Emma could run off to the Charmings and she could run off to her mansion. But in their unfortunate turn of events, there was nowhere to run to. Regina had to stand and watch as they devolved into each other and learned the lessons from the same side of the broken line.

"You're up early," Emma, again, invaded whatever space Regina carved out for herself. Regina should have been accustomed to the invasion, but once again Emma was changing the rules of their interactions. Thus far, her mornings had been left in solace. Emma didn't bother her and they didn't interact with each other more than required since neither was fully repaired from whatever conversation might have transpired the night before.

Regina wrapped her arms around herself and looked down at her booted feet. She idly wondered what a change of clothes would be worth conjuring up, or if it would just be a waste. Then, she silently chided herself for her own vanity. Henry was out living amongst demons disguised as children, while she took selfish moments thinking about her wardrobe.

"I'm always up early," she eventually replied as her internal rambling quieted down. "I can't say the same is always true for you."

"Yeah," Emma humorlessly chuckled. "I guess that's true." Her words were an obvious lie, but Regina was in no mood to challenge it. She would let Emma lie about sleeping through the night when she knew damn well that it had been a very long time since either of them had understood the meaning of 'rest'.

Regina leaned her body against the nearest tree. She looked over at the rising sun, and for just the briefest of moments recognized the beauty in Never Land. She could understand how its wonders could attract pirates, fairies, children and demons. It was a land of deceptive magic. "Do you know the definition of irony, Emma?" she wondered aloud.

Emma raised her brow, but said nothing. She did not to appear to be in the mood for a conversation more complicated than one that consisted of talking about the weather.

Dark eyes raked across Emma's body, making whatever Regina might say easy and practiced. But unfortunately for Regina, confessions, even if practiced, never tended to go smoothly. "We are."

"We are what?" Emma couldn't help but ask since her intrigue was drawn in by Regina's unusually calm countenance.

"We are the definition," Regina clarified. "We each are Henry's mother. We each were betrayed at a very young age by someone we trusted. We each…"

"Wait," Emma recklessly broke through Regina's confession, "how is that ironic?"

"The Dark Queen and the White Knight," Regina rolled her eyes. "That is irony."

Emma closed her eyes and shook her head. "I think this island is making you delirious."

"Well," Regina pushed up off the tree she had been leaning against, "that's a given." Everything about the last two plus years of her life was making her delirious. She was traveling with the Charmings and deferring her better judgment to Emma Swan. Sanity had clearly forsaken her.

"Look," Emma took another step away, her eyes open and looking back towards the campsite she had just walked away from, "I just came over to get away from Hook. I don't want to get in the way of…" her hands waved aimlessly around them, "whatever meditation thing you've got going on."

Regina carefully watched as Emma stepped away. She thought about how easy it would be to let Emma walk off into the morning so that they could start another day in which they found out many things, but did not find their son. Maybe, though, the day would turn out unlike the rest and they would make some progress in discovering some way to take down Peter Pan and then they could all go home. Maybe this day was destined to be different… but by her nature, Regina wasn't an optimist and hadn't been one in a very long time.

It was much more likely that they would run across another distracting obstacle that left Henry in Pan's care for another harrowing day. It was much more likely that someone else would almost die or fall haplessly into another trap. It was much more likely that at the end of the day she and Emma would be standing across from each other trying to figure out how it all went to Hell so quickly.

"It is time I teach you magic, Emma," Regina whispered, knowing full well that Emma was not yet far enough away to have not heard. "If that isn't ironic then I don't understand the definition of the word."

Emma didn't turn around, but she did stop walking. Her shoulders dropped. "I know," she said through a sigh.

"Then you must convince Mommy and Daddy Do-Good that I have no intention of killing you." Regina knew better than to try and convince Mary Margaret and David as to the necessity that Emma understood her power. It wasn't an argument she could win since she so often spoke to them without care for the truth.

"It's not them that need convincing," Emma muttered. "I'm not entirely sure I won't accidently blow up the entire forest with us in it."

"While I won't rule that out as a possibility, I think it much more likely that you'll end up saving your life…" she paused for just a moment before her confession was complete, "or mine."

Emma turned then. She looked at Regina who so easily released the self reliance she prided on owning and placed into Emma's hands.

"Don't look so surprised," Regina chastised. "You're the only other one here that's smart enough to not get killed."

Emma smirked as she took a step towards Regina. "I think that was a compliment."

Regina ignored the jibe. She had long since learned that Emma chose humor when she was unprepared for the conversation. "Just convince your parents, Emma. We don't eat until you start the fire."

"I don't need magic to do that," Emma needlessly pointed out.

"I suppose not," Regina allowed. "But you either take this seriously for our son or you make no effort and endanger us all."

Emma blinked haplessly at the challenge Regina had callously thrown. "Don't," she said once she found her voice. "Don't question my commitment to Henry."

There was an odd feeling of remorse that rested in the pit of Regina's stomach, but she would not give in to it. She could not give in to it when it was so new and confusing and she could not identify whether her remorse came from using Henry as an instigator or whether it came from hurting Emma. There was still so much she misunderstood and simply could not grasp.

"Do not question mine," she rejoined and then brushed by Emma as if her anger was genuine instead of fabricated on the wings of her guilt.

She could feel Emma watch her walk away and knew there were so many reasons to not look back. She could not give in to Emma anymore than she already had. She could make no more concessions. She could not allow for Emma to reach out, hold her hand, and declare them a family. It could not be that easy… at least not for her.

"You're trusting me with your life, Regina," Emma made the declaration so easily that it caught Regina off guard. It fell through her commitment to simply walk away and forced her to turn around. Their eyes met, and Regina knew that her feigned anger hadn't fooled either of them. "I get that."

Regina swallowed down the weakness that infused her body at being so easily deconstructed. "We should get started," she ordered instead of offering up anything any more meaningful, but then again, she knew that the meaning between them didn't solely exist in their words.

Meaning sprung up between them as an unfettered and wild thing. It took them both by surprise and disallowed retreat. It told them to ignore the disinformation that their senses manufactured and to rely on the building of something new. "Don't keep me waiting for long," she whispered, not really caring whether Emma had heard or not since her words had not been for her student but for whatever destiny was rolling out in Never Land.


End file.
